Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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