my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
