So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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