I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
