True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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