a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
