What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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