some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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