I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
we should paint friendship bongs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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