Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
