There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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