The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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