is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
