so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
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Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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