my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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