I think my fart just growled at me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
