You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
