dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
