im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
