so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
