id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
