FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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