Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
