apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
