I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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