I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
