Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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