Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
