i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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