life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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