Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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