but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
