i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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