my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
