well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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