Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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