just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
