hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
