I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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