I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
