I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
