I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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