just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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