My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
