oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
