WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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