Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
