Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
