Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
