My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
