I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
