he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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