so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
