Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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