I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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