You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
