his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
