yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
