I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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