Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
