i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
